I was gay before it was cool

weepingdildo:

I want a relationship that’s just like super cool friendship with like kissing

bonerfart:

Me: my son is so tiny i must have the tiniest son in the world

Doctor: this is a regular sized baby, i don’t think you understand how babies work

Me: I love my tiny son

psyducked:

amandabymes:

At the dentist like

image

Can I have the number of your dentist?

trepanties:

steampunkscarecrow:

meister-maka:

pantyslime:

please stop getting mad at cashiers for prices they have no control over

Or not being able to take your expired coupon.

or not being able to break any rule that is store or company policy

Or not being able to make the manager come up to the cash register any quicker

seereezy:

manager: sir your resume just says “good looking and talented”

me: am I lying though?

manager: …youre right, Im sorry youre hired

(Source: seereezy)